Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize