I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
