Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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