there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
