I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
