Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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