too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
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i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
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I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.