Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!