um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
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well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
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this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?