Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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