I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
