even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Randomize
