i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
