remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He passed out mid-signature
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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