Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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