They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
