the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
