it was like having sex with a tree stump
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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