apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You've changed since you got that strap on
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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