I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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