I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Drunk is not a location!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
