You just made me feel so damn special
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
