I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
dude i'm inner monologue high
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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