I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
