tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
