take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
