did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
