do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
