I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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