remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
