I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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