Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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