You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
