oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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