I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
