May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
