I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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