This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
