My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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