a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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