I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize