Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
