I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
