apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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