Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
