it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
