I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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