I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
