I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
