I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
