Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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