Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
