gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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