I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
