if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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