i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
