I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...