i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
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