so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Randomize
