my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My vagina just recognized that song.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
