last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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